Tooting My Own Horn

Dear FM16; Kindly Fuck Off

Dear FM16,
 
It’s been grand. We’ve had a great time together, but I feel the time has come for me to move on. I’m not going to give you the tired old cliché of “it’s not you, it’s me”, because let’s face it, this is totally on you.
 
I have forgiven you almost all your previous indiscretions, I have looked past your flaws, but I am just done. I could deal with the fact that my defenders turn into vampires the moment a cross-ball comes near into the penalty area. I could handle the numerous patches and subsequent re-tweaking of my tactics.
 
You see, dear FM16, all this time, I had a mission. I wanted to be the first manager to ever have a stadium erected in his honor on every continent. And you know what, dear FM16? It’s been one hell of a ride.
 
From the humble beginnings in the Netherlands, taking lowly old Fortuna Sittard straight to the top, winning each and every trophy I could, to the nearly three decades of relentless grinding in South America with Argentine-based Temperley FC.
 
We hit a rough patch in our relationship when you screwed me out of a stadium in my honor in Mexico, with Querétaro. That hurt, but I was willing to give you yet another chance.
 
Our time in Africa, Asia and Oceania was great. Maluti FET, Jeonbuk Hyundai and Perth Glory were all great clubs and we created memories that will last a lifetime.
You even game me son. I have never been more proud. My own son, who turned out to be a god as well and stayed with me for nearly three decades in the game.
 
But I have to ask, you bitch of a game, why did you decide to screw me again when I was so close to completing my mission? Again, things go sour when we go to Mexico. Again, you screw me out of a stadium name that should belong to me, the one and only club legend of Coyotes Tlaxcala.
 
Is it because I was looking at other games? I’ve always been a fan of Assassin’s Creed and I never hid that from you… Were you afraid I was going to leave you for a younger version of yourself? Babe, if you would’ve let me have this final stadium, this save-game would have lasted forever. I would have kept playing it, even as FM17 was out.
 
You broke my heart, FM16. You cold, heartless, manipulating bitch… I was so close to achieving this nigh-impossible goal, but with the finish-line in sight, you decide to trip me up and screw me over. This is one final indiscretion I can never forgive, one slip-up I will not forget.
 
Thanks for all the good times, but we’re through. I am moving on to FM17. I will always have feelings for you, but right now, I really and sincerely hate your guts.
 
Yours sincerely,
 
Guido

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By Guido, ago